Madness.

it's not funny to be up and awake when everyone's sound asleep. i don't enjoy this, in case you think i am. this hasn't been going anywhere. god, make me sleep. put my brain into a temporal coma if you must. there's just so much running through my head, it's like a marathon inside. and if my dreams were made into a movie, it'd be a blockbuster hit. and hence i've come to a conclusion that i think too much. this thinking business has to stop. i think, i don't sleep. i sleep, i get weird dreams. all the way my brain just keeps going, like it's been drugged. don't say i'm not trying hard enough because i've been in bed for more than three hours now. to top it off, it's already the third time this week. and honestly, i don't want to live in self-pity and bitterness. i need to quit playing the blaming game. because i realized that i'm my own prisoner. but maybe for once it would be grand to have another understand. one that would earn my trust and also trusts me in return. i have turned cold. i know my dislikes have turned into sheer hatred. and i guess the people i love is not being very loving now. are my expectations too high, i wonder. am i asking for too much, you say. i have a problem and i want to dwell in it no more. because as you can see, i am not taking this very well. and that problem, is me. i want to help myself but i am just not capable of it anymore. i admit i need help. i need you, god. why do you seem so close yet so far. i know you've been watching over me, i really do. but do you see what i'm seeing. do you feel what i'm feeling. i am lost and confused. i am genuinely sorry for the things i've done wrong. i know i've hurt many people i ought not to hurt. i know i've caused pain and sorrow and mere destruction. but how am i supposed to embrace life when death's lurking around every corner. slap me in the face because i wake up every morning thinking about life but in reality, life gives me death. and do you get the feeling when you confess something from the pits of your heart and the listener thinks that it's a lie, or if it's of no importance, or if it's meaningless. i get hurt too. i have been taken lightly when i am being serious, for far too many times. i was not brought up to sit and complain and whine. i was taught to be strong and independent and to take the bull by it's horns and fear no threat. i want to be that man nobody was in my family. i want to get out of this cocoon i built myself over the years. but i know it's impossible. because i clearly cannot go through this without you, god. it all seemed so puny at first but it's like a quicksand now. and i am sinking in fast. i know i have character issues. i know i have my flaws and that i make mistakes. i barely believe in myself these days, how am i to convince others to believe in me. i go around telling what i do and why i do it. they come around telling i shouldn't do it and why i shouldn't. whose is it to blame but me. god, you know me more than i know myself. i cannot forgive. i don't know if i possibly can. but i've come to know that i cannot forgive myself either. there's so much of guilt and regret. i feel responsible for the way things are now. i know it could have been better, but as i said. it could have, but it isn't. it would have, but it isn't. it should have, but it isn't. god, i've been running around in circles for far too long. every time i thought i was on my way out, i just get sucked into it again. it's like a there's a black hole deep within me. and god, i don't say much to anybody but i know you hear me and i know you care. i just need to learn to stop figuring things out and know that you are in control. i haven't been me and i need you to fix me, lord. it's almost 6.