Of my favorite duo and of PES.

I am so very blessed to have you both as my members, my friends, and my family.

I realize I haven't been grateful enough but I am now and I hope to be as much of help as I can give.

Thank God, for such individuals; I don't need to name or upload photographs of you all, do I?

Now moving on to PES (Post-Exam Syndrome), I have evolved into something very, very different (well, except for my sleeping habits). When most normal, sane students would be happily partying in clubs, booze, hangovers, sleepovers at friends' places, and doing it all over again three times a week. I am back at home (like home, home) cleaning up my room, running errands for my brother/mother, and making long lists of my future plans. I know I should be out, hanging about every chance that I get, now that I'm on my semester break. But I just don't feel like so, I'm not sure why. No, actually? I'm more of reluctant, if you ask me. 

All I want and feel like doing is to stay at home and get as much of quality time with my family as I can. To wake up in the morning with my mama nagging (or yelling) about the modem/television not switched off, to walk my dog with a hot mug of Milo in hand, to help with the house chores, to argue with my brother over the silliest things and laugh about it after, to sit on the swing at the park in the evening and take all the green in while it lasts, to skip dinner with mama and then sneak out to the DriveThru for supper, to stay up late to watch (or rewatch) television series and then fall asleep at 0400 or so with the television on. And the cycle continues. But that's exactly what I want while I can still have it.

Be it Spring or Fall, I am leaving. I need to bask in moments that I can still share with my loved ones before weeping about how I miss them dearly and then regret about choosing this field of study altogether. I know it has to happen, one way or another. I've just been ignorant and nonchalant since I've made up my mind to choose to leave.

Today, I was at the bank. I rarely go to banks but today was different. I had an account opened, a special one in a special currency. And then hours before, I copied my previous application, made some minor tweaks here and there, said a little prayer, and sent it to Texas A&M University via ApplyTexas for the Spring 2012 intake. The fact that I am now applying for college; the constant worries about funding, the alien-treatment for a yellow-skinned female, or just the doubts about making it there, it just never ends. But let's not go there shall we? Admitted pun belum.

It's all sinking in to me and I want to have all of here, to last me there. There's just so much here that I'm not done with, family and church. So much to do, so much to say. Worries, mistakes, frustrations, anger, complications, et cetera. I can only learn that I am weak and He is strong. But sometimes my weakness seem to be admitting that I am weak, actually don't we all? All the impossible goals we struggle to strive, that so-called ladder of success we keep climbing, the unending competition with everyone else about anything and everything. I know I'm like that.

And hence, I want You to know that You can have it all. My past, present, future. My dreams, goals. My wants, needs. My life, I give it to You. Do as You wish, God. And mostly, help me trust in Your perfect plan for me. I don't want to live life the way I presumed that a good life should be, and then regret and turn bitter for the rest of it, but I want to lead the life You want me to live. Help me, God.

What if there's a bigger picture?

What if I'm missing out?

What if there's a greater purpose;

I could be living right now?

Outside my own little world;

Put Your light in my eyes and let me see;

That my own little world is not about me.

Love, Your daughter.

I have much more to say but look! It's 0347 already. Haha. But I guess that's pretty much it.