Au revoir.

Note: Very long (possibly emotional) post ahead.

It's been an eventful month altogether. Honestly? I can only recall myself being okay since the 30th of October.  Everything seems to be happening all at once, if not. One after another. But I'm not going to complain anymore, maybe just this once. And zip it all up in me once and for all. 

I feel like a lily pad in the Dead Sea. Like I'm carrying the weight of the world, but deep down I know that I'll never sink. It gets tiring. Having to wade and float through life's worries, one wave after another. You see, I'm not comparing my situation with yours or the recent Japanese victims for the matter. I know that there are so many out there who are in much more difficult circumstances than I am in right now. Mine seems like a speck of dust in their quarries. The problem with me is I can't stop thinking or worrying. I tell myself over and over that a period is a period. I somehow add unnecessary question marks (and sometimes exclamation marks too) in the end. It's frustrating. Like sinking into a quicksand you built yourself.

You feel me? 

Okay, clearly you don't. But you don't have to anyway. I'm only writing this to me and for me.

I just turned nineteen recently. And it felt good and bad at the same time. Good because God has been good to me and I am looking forward to what He has for me in future. Bad because I can't seem to handle myself as I age. I am not taking this whole growing up process, well at all. In short, I can't be a proper eighteen year old, how am I suppose to be a good nineteen year old. Part and parcel of aging, I guess.

I thought I have been doing well. Somehow, turning nineteen. I find myself running in circles. I barely believe in myself these days. I used to be so sure of who I am, who I will be, what I will be doing, what I will become. Now I have no slight clue. And then I go around expecting others to believe in me. What a fool I've become.

I thought I was strong. Strong enough to take on every thing that comes through my way. I was brought up to be independent. Because I watched my mother doing it all, on her own. That nothing is impossible, the skies were the limits. I grew up learning that hard work pays off in the end. Now I wonder if every effort I've put into everything, was ever worth my while.

I thought I was good. Good enough to get by life's troubles. I don't smoke. Neither do I drink nor curse nor take drugs. Or anything that is considerably bad. Then I realized how bad I've turned throughout these years. I've become mean, bitter, selfish, stubborn, ignorant and *insert traits that I've yet to discover*. All these flaws are harder to cure than those previously mentioned. At least for smokers they have electronic ciggies, smoking patches. For alcoholics, they have supplements. Physical steps and treatments. My only remedy is prayer. And with all honesty? I have yet to see change.

Stubborn as ever.

It's starting to feel like I am merely existing, and not living. Taking in precious oxygen and contributing unnecessary carbon dioxide. And this feeling, sucks. I don't like telling anybody anything. It makes me seem weak, and I am not weak. But when I do, I always feel guilty of being all whiny and complain-y. And after, swear to myself never to speak again.

I find myself searching for love. Fatherly love I've never understood. I know God is love. I don't have to go looking for love. Yet there's such a deep hunger within me, for a fatherly figure in my life. It's like a missing chapter in my book. A missing puzzle piece, whatever you call it. It feels that way. I get jealous (and then furious) when I see fathers walking around with their daughters in malls. A physical being, a father. God, I know you're my Father. But I want to be somebody's princess, like how every girl is. Is this too much to ask? If it is, then slap me hard in the face with reality because I get sick of myself being this way.

Even love seems rather unbelievable, for me. I just don't see myself, in a relationship. At least for now. Not even thinking about it, because I have much more important things to worry about.

Like education.

I just attended the ADTP farewell party hours ago. It was for students who were transferring to the US for the next semester. Technically, I haven't been accepted to any of the universities but I was still invited (because I guess they needed people to finish their food). It was rather depressing, I must admit. Everybody was celebrating. Happily chirping about which university they've been admitted to. Gleefully snapping away photos of themselves before they depart. I sat in one corner, not having a care in the world about what the rest was doing, but the free dinner. It got into my head, that left-outness. Then I decided to ring up Hisyam, so as to remind myself that I wasn't alone.

I've made up my mind not to continue studying (in Sunway, at the very least) after this semester. Meaning if Jas Min gets accepted, she leaves. If she doesn't. Well, you'll see her roaming about in Klang. You might think this is pure childishness and nuisance, but I've decided. There are no subjects that I can take in Sunway anymore. I've completed everything that is offered. Unless I transfer to another institution (i.e. INTI, Taylors), and continue studying there. But that's another story altogether. Also, most ADTP lecturers are leaving. Miss Chandra, Dr Anindita, Mr Chong, Dr Cheam (best lecturer ever, already left for Michigan) and Dr Sumitha (already left for INTI). That leaves Sunway ADTP with a bunch of part-timers next semester, and I don't quite like that.

But that's just me thinking way ahead. I'll leave my already-clogged-up brain to rest for now.

Besides, my final examination is less than five days. This semester is the worse semester yet. I've had zero preparation, so far. That's because I've been busy with things I shouldn't be busy doing. This week itself was torturous. Quizzes and tests all the way. Good news is, I survived. No point being regretful about what's done. I just never learn about not-being-last-minute. But I think I did fairly well for all my subjects this semester. I guess Hisyam's withdrawal from Sunway did me a little good. Less talk, more focused in class. (But I still miss my (only) kawan very much!)

It's full swing this few days (and nights). Like how my softball coach used to say, "It's do or die". And believe it or not, it works! He said that, hit me on my head, and off I went to score a point with a homerun. Hence, I'm not giving any excuse for not doing well this semester. Not sleep, or exhaustion, or mood swings. There is no reason for me to disappoint my mother any further.

But with that, comes a big price tag nevertheless. An average of three hours of sleep per day is not doing my body any good. My body clock is so screwed that when I go to bed early, I still get up three/four hours later. Then I lie in bed, looking out to my window, hoping for airplanes to fly by, until I fall asleep again. I am weird, I already know.

My roommate has left for her hometown. I get to have the entire room to myself from tonight onwards. Not that I dislike her (best roommate so far) but it saves me from a lot of hassle. I get to change in my room. Listen to music without the earphones. And switch on the lights and air-conditioner till late. It's good, especially that I stay up now for finals.

Someone tweeted, "The best way not to be disappointed is to have no expectations".

Thus, dear Siah Eer Foo and Jeff Ng. I'm sorry for being the lousy friend that I am. You both deserve to be mad at me, that is the least you can do. But I guess to ease the pain that I've caused, I suggest that you do not expect me to do the things ordinary friends would do. Because I'm still learning how to. I am deeply sorry and the very little I can be right now, is blunt and direct.

People that I love and mean a world to me;

Mum.

Kor.

Ah Pi.

Siah Eer Foo.

Looi Yoong.

Lester & KC.

Hannah.

Gab.

Toefl.

Ah Mei and Ah Jie.

Gi.

Jordan, Steven, Jun Yi, Leonard.

Darren.

Syam.

One way or another, you have a significant place in my heart. I thank God for He has blessed me with you in my life. I may not have the prettiest face to look at, or the brightest mind, or the tiniest waist for you to hug, or the sweetest voice when I sing, but I've got one very big heart to love you with. Okay that's cheesy, but I really mean it. Big or small, yesterday or tomorrow, I somehow feel like I've let you down. I'm sincerely sorry. Deep down, cross my heart! I did not intend to hurt any of you.

And God. I guess You must be internet savvy, so here's Your daughter saying sorry for all the things she's done wrong. For all the times I've failed You. I'm so very sorry, and I shouldn't take Your grace and mercy for granted. I hereby declare that I am weak. Despite my futile attempts to be manly, I am only but a human being. Weak and feeble. Only You are strong and it's about time I learn to be obedient and accept my flaws. I love You, Daddy. 

It's time to quit pretending to be who I'm not meant to be.

Not very manly, after all. I am still a girl. I am not emo, mind you. Already got the emo in me over and done with. Not going to lie. It has been a very (very, very) long time since I last cried myself to sleep. Until last Sunday. Don't ask me why, I just lay in bed and wept like nobody's business. Thankfully I was very (very, very) tired. The crying-to-sleep was quick.

I am very much okay now. Don't want to wake up with swollen eyes and a big(ger) nose.

Christmas is near! Very near indeed. 'Tis the season to be jolly! The only season where shopping seems fun. I enjoy buying gifts very much. Making lists of what to buy and who to buy for. Only downturn is that I'll end up over-spending and not have much left in my bank account/piggy bank. But blessed are those who gives than receives, nevertheless! December's also the time where I fulfill my annual gear-up duty. It's an assignment for myself to do something with my baby Canon EOS 450D and gears. As of this year, I'm eyeing on a cheap wireless remote. Not too heavy on my purse and definitely necessary, score!

Speaking about Christmas, if you ever stopped by Sunway Pyramid, take a minute and look at the decorations all around. I didn't notice how beautiful it was until yesterday. I was walking back to hostel and all around Pyramid were tiny LED lights. And inside the mall, at the centre court, were humongous Christmas trees with silver and white bells all around. If I was ten years younger, I'd be running round the trees singing, "Jingle Bells". No need to spend money to go to Singapore's Orchard Road. Pyramid already like Orchard liao. Go take a look!

Also, not forgetting. My cardmaking project will resume this December. Will not only aim for cell members as recipients now. Targeting on making one for almost all of the youths in church and Tobyn (she personally requested, no choice loh). I'll be hardworking, I promise!

This is my third instant noodle this week. And to worsen the amount of weight I'll be gaining, I am having one now, at midnight. Wonderful. I'm quite in a tight budget to go for grocery shopping now. Guess I've got to be on an instant diet for the rest of the month.

Give yourself a pat on the back if you've read this far.

Because as titled, this means goodbye. Minapoh is going to be on a hiatus. It's been a good three years of blogging. May continue to do so, may not. Don't want to tell the whole world what I am doing or how I've been feeling or where I've been to. Ada orang cakap I lack of attention wor. So Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in advance! It's been a great year, 2011.

Coincidentally, today is also Thanksgiving in America. Be grateful and thankful to the people you love (and your foes as well), for they've all taught you something in life somehow. And through the good and the bad, I praise You, Lord. Thank You for the joy and the sorrows.

Myself and my two best companions in the universe.

My very tired face right now (it's 0210 give face a bit can?).

Okay, I realize my nose very big. So here's a replacement.

Okay enough with the photos. I guess this is it. I shall go study now. The end.

God bless all of you.

Love, Jas Min.