The Silent Treatment and the loner.

And so there was a mega explosion of this thing they commonly call The Silent Treatment, between my mum and I. The night I got my results (midnight, Thursday, 11th August) I dashed into her room and hopped onto her bed, started screaming about how glad I was. I was happy, of course. A BA was way above my expectations because I was merely hoping for a passing grade, a C. I knew how hard the final paper was and I knew I put in a lot of effort staying up revising, having group discussions and et cetera. I thought it all paid off pretty well. 

But I guess not.

She sat up in bed and shot me with the death stare. There and then, I had nothing to say. It seemed pointless to explain what a BA was because in her dictionary a passing grade is an A. It seemed pointless to defend myself by comparing my results with my other classmates who only got Bs. It seemed pointless to tell her how much I tried compared to my previous semester. I thought I made her proud this semester.

But I guess not.

Why is it so hard to please anybody? Just when I thought I did good for once, good just never seem good enough. Why can't I ever get a chance to feel good about myself? If I don't deserve it, then can I earn it? What does it take for one to be satisfied? Tell me because I'm tired of searching and trying.

Then in such 'perfect' timing, there's got to be friends who'd drop in comments like, "Girls are just not meant to be engineers". Correction, ex-bestfriends. I've had more than enough of discouragements, thank you very much. I just thought it'd be nice to celebrate this little achievement with someone who'd be happy for me.

But I guess not.

I wish I could verbally express this instead of typing it down, but I guess I can't because of the whole Silent Treatment thing. I'm not angry, just tired (mentally). But again, a ginormous part of my being tells me that it's my fault, for not living up to everybody's expectations. Mum's expectations especially. The amount of load she's putting on herself to fund my education. She deserves the best, I know.

But tell me what does best mean, actually?

Is it too much to ask for someone to be happy for me?

Okay, I'll snap out of the whole emo occasion. I'm not emo by the way. Maybe I am but to top all emoness. I am officially a loner for the rest of my college life. If you come by this site and read often, you'd know Hisyam. Or if you're an ADTPian, you'd see me around with Hisyam. Miss Malissa (Introduction to Theatre lecturer) call us inseparable. And I must agree. Because he's my only friend in college. We take the same subjects, have lunches together, study together, hangout together, and do almost every other thing in college together. Heck, we even have similar likes and dislikes. And this very-hard-to-come-by friend is leaving me. For INTI.

For stupid INTI College Subang Jaya to be precise (no hard feelings, INTI SJ students).

I am going to be miserable-r than I ever was.

What a day.

Goodnight and God bless you fellow homosapiens.

Love, Jas Min.