Living life.

It was at about 1745, Toefl dropped me at the entrance of my condominium. As I dragged my luggage to the lift, along with my favorite backpack on my shoulders and another laptop sling bag on my right shoulder. This is the amount of baggage that I carry along every Friday when I leave for home, and every Sunday when I leave from home.

Stepped into the lift. Stopped by the doorstep, dug out for my keys and unlocked the main door. Left my shoes on the shoe rack and changed to my slippers. Walked to my room. Unlock the room door. Switched on the light, fan and air-conditioner. Unpacked and hung the week's clothing to my small wardrobe. Changed to a comfortable, baggy t-shirt and cotton shorts. I settled down and lay in bed, motionless, stationary.

It got me thinking about myself, my life, at that moment. Living away from home, was a huge thing for me. But I made my decision, thinking that it has more good than bad. I'm glad that my mum doesn't make decisions for me (albeit I want her to most of the time) but allows me to value and think over things for myself. I smiled at myself with my head rested on two pillows. In that position, I suddenly wiggle and pulled the blanket over my head. Let out a little squeak and slowly lowering the thick cloth off my face.

Realizing how far I've come. Living here, without my family 5 days a week, for 2 months already. How I've changed. How I rely on my own in everything that I do. How I've stopped complaining about having to do the chores. How I value money. How I value time. But above all, how much my family mean to me. You don't know until you're away from them. I didn't until I came here.

After much thought, I fell asleep. And 20 minutes later, my roommate woke me up. The shrieking of the room door was so sharp it 'jerked' me awake. I wasn't annoyed, mad surprisingly. I gave her a smile, talked to her for a while and then changed into a pair of jeans, got my backpack and smiled goodbye to my roommate. I went down to the lobby and out to the bus stop. I didn't sit on the waiting bench but I circled around the tree instead. Clockwise, then anti-clockwise, waiting for the bus. Soon I realize that it was taking a tad too long than usual, I stopped and pulled out my notebook with a pen stuck into it's spiral binder, out of my backpack. Started to make a shopping list.

Tomatoes.

Vegecookies.

Instant soup.

Butter.

Instant BOH.

Dish sponge.

And I continued my list until I arrive the shopping mall. Like a programmed robot, I marched my way to JUSCO, quick-paced, as if I was rushing for something. But I wasn't. It's just the way I walk when I'm alone. I grabbed a trolley and with the list on one hand and driving the trolley with the other, I picked the things I needed and wanted (Like instant mash potatoes which wasn't in my list!). Headed to the Express cashier and payed. And again, walking quickly, I knew what I wanted. A screen protector for my phone. So I went to Machines. Scanned over some screen protectors - there are just too many brands and prices ranging from RM 49 to RM 120. I thanked the sales assistant and walked away.

Feeling thirsty, I paid a visit to Each-A-Cup. Ordered the cheapest and also my regular, Jasmine Green Tea.

Ad: It tastes awesome and it costs only RM 2.40! Add pearls, jellies and etc if you want but do bear in mind that if you add stuff, you add the price too. I like it plain and empty, just the way it is. It's a whooping 500 mL, similar to bottled drinks in the market but cheaper! If you take Lipton's Iced Lemon Tea for example, it will cost you RM 2.50 and it's too sweet! Plus, Each-A-Cup drinks are tightly sealed with plastic wraps on top and not covered with lids (Like Starbucks for example) which is perfect for takeaways, driving, on-the-go, because it doesn't leak. Go buy Each-A-Cup.

While sipping bit by bit, I headed to the bus stop. Sat on the bench. Looked at the cars moving in opposite ways. It was a whole stage by itself. The bluish black sky as the backdrop, dotted with a few hardly-visible stars. Slowly moving down, bigger, brighter lights stood tall, lighting up the area. Cars, busses, taxis speeding at the back, slowing down in front to drop it's passengers.

It got me thinking again. When a young boy popped in front of me and sat beside me. Not long after, two elderly men came after him and sat beside me too. One almost bald, with a walking stick in hand. Another man, younger than the other. All three of them were dressed with very basic clothing, shorts, t-shirts and slippers. They obviously were not shopping because they weren't carrying any bags. The boy was beside me. The other two old men were beside him. They waited along with me. Then came a nice gold Hyundai (No idea what model) after 15 minutes. The boy ran quickly to the car and opened the front door, sat and closed. And the other 2 men were just leaving their seats in the bus stop. The younger man leading, leaving the older man with a walking stick far behind. The man then opened the back door, went in and left the door open for the elderly man, who was inching his way to the door. When he finally made it, he assisted himself in, placed his stick on his lap and shut the door. The gold Hyundai disappeared.

It all happened before me. And I just sat there alone with my plastic bag in hand, my drink in the other. And all I did was cry. Right there, at that moment, in the bus stop. It was about that old man, that boy, the other man, the driver, and it was about me. How naive and young the boy was. How the other man was so selfish and confident that the older man could make his way on his own. How the old man felt like he was running a marathon just to reach the door of the car. How a stranger, could just sit and watch the old man with his walking stick, a stranger like me.

Even if they didn't feel that way, personally. I'd like to think so. How selfish we all became. How we all think that the world only revolves around ourselves. How we race in life to achieve the best for ourselves. How we hide in our own world we built for ourselves, afraid of getting out, afraid of taking risks, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of screwing life up.

I didn't know what I was feeling. It was a combination of helplessness, anger, disappointment, sorrow, pity, jealousy, all at once. I was just sitting there, alone, sobbing. As if I was a homeless child with no place to go. It was curtain call when the bus arrived. I wiped off my tears and pretended that nothing happened. But I wasn't that strong. When I came down the bus, I went straight to the toilet, and silently wept in front of the mirror. Looking at my own crying face, I ponder upon life. How I've been living it. How lucky I am and how vulnerable I will be without everything I have now. I gave myself a smack on the cheek, washed my face with the running tap water and went back to my room.

I didn't stop thinking but I did stop crying. In fact, didn't cry after that at all (I'm not such a baby). And funny how ordinary things that happened in a span of 2 hours could leave me in tears and thinking about life. From going to and fro home, a planned and straightforward shopping trip to the incident at the bus stop. And it gave me a 2-hour sleep, that night (Zomgoodness). Eating, traveling, shopping, living, alone is not easy. And by alone meaning, all alone. Living with friends you already know of is a different story altogether.

Nevertheless, deep down, I might not feel it at times, but I know He's with me. I know, because He says so. And He's watching over me from above. Secretly making sure that I'm safe and sound, though away from home. Who knows? He might have accessed to my Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, WordPress and e-mail account every time when I'm asleep. Thank You, Daddy.

Chemistry quiz tomorrow.

Shall go balance some bigass electron-ic equations now.

Wish me luck!

Love, Jas Min.